food.

well i had my first class with the official pre op dietician. 

i have to be honest when i say that i walked out feeling more than overwhelmed. 

there are so many things that you have to do.

take x-amount of vitamins for the rest of your life. 

you have to shove protein and water and all other sorts of nutrients in your tiny pouch each day. 

i worry about being able to squeeze everything in while running two kids to school and maybe one to preschool. 

I know I will and have to do it. It just seems overwhelming right now. 

update

well here we go.

i have been put on the fast track for surgery. 

i was approved by both the food psychologist and the dietician. 

they both said that I was making excellent progress and I was doing a good job of changing my lifestyle.

i have already lost 15 pounds. 

you can not really tell from this picture, but i will take every pound that comes off. 

I plan on taking pictures every month to track my progress. 

so here it is in all its glory!

ps. the look on my face is because i am sick.. both with allergies and with the way that i look!!

Important

that is what i have been telling myself a lot lately. 

I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FOOD.

i never realized until they put me on this new diet how much i depend/think/want food. 

I think about it a lot and want ti a lot. 

however. i am trying and doing pretty well. 

whenever i have a craving, that is what i say in my head. 

I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FOOD.

my life, my kids, my husband are more important than the food. 

so far I have lost three pounds. 

it is not much, but it is a start!!!

and so it begins!

Well in a sense it begins. In a sense it has always been. My weight. It has been an issue my whole life. There has not been a time in my life that I can remember feeling skinny or even average. I have always known that I was not the same as my friends. I was always bigger. Shopping was never fun. No matter what I did, some weight might come off, but never what I wanted. Never enough. 

I was active all throughout my childhood. I spent all day in the pool, on my bike, etc. And I was still the heaviest or at least sometimes reminded that I was the heaviest. 

Well I knew that when I hit 30 I was done having biological children. I felt like my thirties were going to be a new chapter in my life. I was not sure what that would be, but I really just felt like my thirties were going to bring change. And so I am hoping it will. 

A few months ago our friend Ed Palmer had bariatric surgery. His weight loss was amazing. I could not believe it. It was truly incredibly. I have to admit i was a little jealous. In my head I thought, "What I wouldn't give to have that". To have that weigh loss. To have that healthy-ness. I mean almost over night so many different health issues just disappear because the weight starts to come off so rapidly. I am not wearing rose colored glasses. I see that it is a hard road. That it is the hardest diet that I will ever be on. That I will have to work hard and exercise, but for once I feel like I will be playing on a level playing field. Instead of thinks being stacked against me. 

I started looking into the surgery when we came home after Christmas and talking with ed. I looked into what was available around me and what my insurance would cover. I was excited to find out that my insurance would cover the surgery. That was so exciting. However it did not cover everything. That was not so exciting. 

However Garran and I went into the city and went to listen to the surgeon speak about the surgery and what to expect. Garran was not for me having the surgery before and I think he still has his reservations. I know that he is worried for me. Surgery is surgery and things can always go wrong. But after seeing all the benefits and how excited I was at the end of it, that he came around. He still has his worries but he is ok with going ahead with it. 

 So now I amwaiting. I have my first appointment with my dietitian in a few weeks. I am really hoping it goes well and I can get on the fast track for having this surgery. I don't want to rush through the steps, but I feel like I have waited my whole life to be thin. And even if I never get super skinny, I just want to be healthy and smaller than I am now. I hate being FAT!!!  I really really hate it. And the older I have got, and with each baby I have had, the weight has just been harder and harder to take off and seems to linger longer and longer. Not to mention my thyroid stays out of whack so much longer and just stays crazy. I am ready to feel and look healthy. I am ready to have more energy and do more things with my children. I want my life to be a better quality than what I am at right now. 

I have decided to document my journey with this and hope for the best outcome. It starts now.